Let me adress you that wayߞas Pauline referrsto youߞwhom I have taken to my too lonely heart in love and despairߞ
for it is not only material despairߞ(these things are connected togetherߞ) to my other
despairߞso that it may look "forced through circumstances" butߞI am never an
"opportunist"ߞlike Bernice Frnstnc.ߞnever have beenߞneedless to sayߞor:
I would not be where I amߞI never can ask "help" where I do not respect.ߞRespect and love are
in me undividable unitߞone demands other. I am trouble to herߞbecause
I am trouble to brink of extinctionߞߞߞshe is so good to meߞto her limiߞ! Butߞ:I need more! onlyߞ
I become breathless with beggingߞalways repeating the same thingߞto be heardߞ! not forgotten
ߞ! As long as I am still aliveߞthat is: in fleshߞ! in spirit I am notnowߞ
how shall I? I can not move itߞ! My spirit is dimߞhalf broken orb! With
that I still try to gaze your wayߞwith this letterߞthat is proving my words.
I am tiredߞtired of gazingߞ"hoping"ߞߞߞwaitingߞ! I am droopingߞyetߞ
still I tryߞto stretch out a handߞto be raised from suffocating mire I am in.ߞfor beauty
in meߞ! To have it savedߞcleanedߞpolishedߞthat it may sparkle anew! It still can
ߞit is still alive as long as I amߞand sane! Love me with action!
I do my partߞwith almost ungoodly
strenghtߞ(often I curse itߞfor obligation it gives meߞto keep on fighting when I dreamߞsweat
"newspapers"! In the few hourse of sleepߞ! My sleep is nightmareߞeven dreamlessߞfor
consciousness of my "occupation" standsߞspectraly on my bedside! I hate to wake!
In awakingߞI shudderߞshudderߞ! Butߞonlyߞfor
befogged bleakߞdank utter hopeless "landscape" no landscape at all! Chaos!
FitzyߞI am notGermanߞit is a mistakeߞ! For my being bornin
Germanyߞraised in German fasionߞnever made me GermanߞI hist discover!
My mother and Iߞwe where always passionate strangersߞin midst of familyߞtown lifeߞcarriedߞpoised by my
utter Teutonic fathers mony positionߞwe were lonelyߞfor purity. My mother diedߞcynical rebel against bourgeoisdom
with bun child smile of pure beauty worship lighing up her features in death deadߞfor she was month before her "home going" bone covered with parchment.
I love her nowߞin meߞI am sheߞI have her message! I have to fill her shapeߞfullfill her desires
rebgar herߞshe my childߞI mother of mother (I did already!ߞnowߞI am
interrupted!) Butߞshe is again near meߞtelling meߞ"Hold outߞsoonߞlight breaks."
I belive itߞfor it is Christmastime
and softness comes over meߞin these mysterious half dark shaded gray days of expectation of plazing treeߞthat old Teutons inventedߞwhen they were in prime
condition with speed and imaginationߞ(now they are staleߞnot having movedߞ! eatenߞdrunk themselves backsliding, bragging ninnies!) I will
have more blazing tree in me than all Germans togetherߞoutside at Christmas eveߞI
ߞand my motherߞfor: we are passionic Slavic Polesߞbeing in love with youthful Teutonic beautyߞas was Mother with Fatherߞwhen they were young!
He killed herߞbutߞin partingߞwas shevictorious. Consciously! Not the way every corpse is
every corpse isߞthroug death. She knew of beautyߞher
beauty! She also knew of mineߞmy inheritance! I have no other! My fatherߞ
logicallyߞwith logic of unlighted haterߞdisinherited me! In all my utter povertyߞmy improbable lifeߞ
standing on windy corner of street selling newspapers in winter at Christmastimeߞin snow and sleetߞeven lacking my arcticsߞI left in
New Yorkߞwith a fried, for joy to go to GermanyߞI fancied my cradleߞ!
I will have more tall light tree in meߞhaving noneߞin realityas I feel sensualy
the north atmosphere of our climate! In that I am GermanߞI could just as well be NorwegianߞDanishߞRussionߞ
Better even. In that sensual senseߞI am happyߞto love once again through Christmastime
in Europs northߞto live even as unlighted as it is for meߞas unlovedߞungifted outwardly.
All these discoveriesߞFitzyߞwill be blessing of highest spiritual merit on this earthߞ
when I am taken out of clutches of my fatherߞfor it is my father his landߞhis ruthless thickheaded boneheaded hate of b
bourgeoisߞthat tries to strangle meߞbecause I live anotherߞfreeer creedߞwith morenerveߞprideߞpassionate
disregard of lifes buttered sideߞit being too sticky!ߞ This land has me by the windpipeߞ
as literalyߞas once my own father hadߞtrying to kill meߞbecauseIߞas only oneߞ(all others whisperedߞ)
told him that he had kil killed my mother! He knew it to be truth!
For telling him truthߞbourgeois will try to do away with youߞnever th enlightenedߞhence never
"forgiving" (it does not existߞfor: it would mean: understanding) looking all his cramped life out for smallߞmean revengesߞfor having once been
looked throughߞown by his own
small daughter. I was "saved" by interruption of my stepmotherߞwho had started the quarrelߞbutߞin spiritߞmindߞI had
already been deadߞfor I knewߞhe would never loosen that grip
ߞon my throatߞthat already had shut off every breath. I was not unpleasantߞalso:
in quiet convicted triumf. I would never have retaken that word either!
I was truth! I am still alive will you help save meߞout of my fathers second clutch
for it is hethat puts me on street cornerߞa proletarier! When he himself by familyߞ
from thatߞwas removed since unknown time! I do not meanߞyou do it like my stepmotherߞshe saved him!
You save meߞmy American stepmother that cares for meߞneeds me! Forߞdamme
if I am not more American sinceI am ingor manyߞthan anything elseߞfor contrast! America moesߞin movement is balance
speed is lifeߞaim will revealߞin timeߞ! Through rotation it growsߞdevelopsߞ
at lastߞwith European helpߞempiricsߞtraditionߞits own tooߞmixingߞworking togetherߞ
it even will develop head! Intellect!
J.H. is fulfillmentߞbodyߞ
behind. sparkle immediate brilliancyߞ like
ߞetc....I say mainly is not agreable
for are trueߞI would not
beߞhting for naked lifeߞrobbe ements.
Let's stop this! I can dizzy with horrorߞ in
once losses. Let's look to future Germany.
This I wish to say: youthfull activityߞ
they imag ness lifeߞ
industry! It doesߞnot sitߞtoo broad back
y"ߞ"when" meantime taking something
better to do in the mo enlightenmentߞif not to dayߞ
yearߞgenerationߞlook ast" for comfortߞwith essly
assuring: past comes back mes! all Germans are
piously occupied in eating! For "tradition"ߞhabit! Butߞ
onceߞin moving progressingߞit was goodߞnecessaryߞproving
high vitalityߞnowߞstaleߞ
retreatingߞit is gluttony! In many
casesߞthat is their true suffering from "starving!" They cannot stand
to eat littleߞmodestߞreasonableߞfor lack of idealߞ
spirit! They feedߞmournߞbraggߞstupidly|
stagnantly|retreatingly decaying matter to just
punish Germany on herߞnowߞ
most tender preciousߞonly treasureߞstomachߞ! Is one of the
most intelligentߞgodlikeߞcynical devics ever applied rightly.
It is the thing! That sort of stale Germans shall
die. They have itߞreallyߞstill quite comfortable except for their spiritual attitudeߞthat
does not permit them to notice itߞbut whines for not having their stomach filled
up to brimߞsnoozingߞworking intermittentlyߞ
their "working" not very different from their snoozing! OhߞI
hate them! They stink! If I had
a-hundreth of that quiet comfortable dull comfortߞI observed in
the home
of a "arbeitslosen" I had a room there) (arbeitslos by choice!) I would have
singing heartߞstart a great novel! (I would like
to start a "great novel!" Strange!
I do not yet even knowߞwhat! Butߞthat
wish is in meߞ
since some weeksߞ!!! Per version of circumstancesߞ
Fitzy-dear! Forߞthere is not chance of any workߞ
spiritualyߞnowߞ! The way
I have to work for bodyߞandߞan application
like to great novel something I never yet attempted ߞ21
it is rank insanity! YetߞI meltedߞanticipatinglyߞ
a piece of stolen leadߞ! Without the slightest doubtߞ
that came out: heart on
strong bloodvessel with lots of those curly mossy
mass that traditionally is claimed to mean "money!" Here "blood"! Rich heart!
If this heart possesses means of moneyߞsuch
hear helps. I wait! I wait! Butߞdear do not let me waitߞ
too long too longߞ! Not any more! For: I have no
arctics! To stand winter weather inߞnor other warm cloth enoughߞ
to weather through in real frostߞnot to mentionߞ
my mindmisery. At lastߞif
that
hear is not visible on horizonߞhelp with somethingߞabove all:
cloth! Some lingerieߞunderwear!
Go to Miss Katherine Pierce (156 + 56
w. 11th Str.) She has all I needߞShoes that fit me!
Someone may buy meߞunder those extreme conditionsߞ
a pair of arctics! It is like providing carpenter with saw that he may workߞ
elseߞHow shall he? (What I forgot to mentionߞtelling about this: "Arbeitslosen"
and their comparatively cozy conditionsߞThey have nonsinging heart"
at all! Mine is! It is only clutched by grip of povertyߞto forced stillness!
But it is singing by constitution! See? It even has begun to twittre a little now! Because: I earned some money
yesterdayߞenough to eat and pay my heating expenses too bot for half this monthߞandߞabove all:
to-day is SundayߞIߞinstead to hustle on street with papersߞam permitted to writeߞ
quiet in my little warm roomߞthis letter to you!
Only writingߞ(If it is not too much "compains"ߞand about practical mattersߞ)
writing to a dear friendߞ
that one knowߞaccepts rightߞis happiness with me! this will help me for some days
longerߞto be without despair?/I restedߞmeantimeߞI only wanted to lie down some momentsߞyet it
is now early Monday morningߞi need much rest nowߞalready fore mental
hopelessnessߞWhat is to do? Nothing worth while can I
attempt there is nothing byt insanity to faceߞsoߞlie downߞsleepߞto forget!
But even that is notߞit is only thin veilߞmy
sunconsciousness is conscious of an ever existing
trap I am inߞwith only one decent way outߞ
at the endߞif no sane condition returnsߞwhere end isߞ
I do not know! I possess terrible enduranceߞI think I have shownߞ"hope" dies hard
in meߞI am optimist by compositionߞof most sanguine typeߞbutߞmy hope has shriveled
and paledߞit is so feebleߞI do not dare look hard at itߞnot to have to notice
that degraded hagggard thingߞonce singing lark swaying eagle! Also
physicalyߞit is in reasonߞI should restߞwhen I have chanceߞ
for I "work" from 12 am. till 2 p.m.
uninterruptedߞfor I have to jump here
and thereߞif not actualy sellingߞto get te papersߞ
leaving me scant time to buy my meals. Yet in New-Yorkߞwhen I did hard posingߞ
I entertained my spirit joyfullyߞI seemed not to need sleep at all
it is hopelessnessߞtiring me. For nowߞ
lookߞtoo buoyancy of spiritߞI had written myself intoߞabout Christmasߞsome pages
agoߞhas sunkߞfor: it is Monday morningߞsoon
dirty toil starts. I have grayed. It is impossible to make impression upon youߞ
lasting deep enoughߞabout my incredible shameful position?
Is there so little meansߞis trap so unreachble deep?
"Good will" not turned into
action by whomsever faultߞcircumstancesߞor soߞis
unfertilized germlessߞbecomes "no will"
not noticing it itselfߞfor: it does not remember vividly but vaporously oth else:
it would moveߞfind means! Passionate longing must be present to saveߞas is in
meߞto be saved! But not any more as trustinglyߞ
as confidentlyߞFitzyߞno! How
should it? If my voice reaches only into voidߞhollowߞno responseߞbut far-off
mocking through repetition in ears of perishing
prisonerߞdeprived of every of life's treasureߞthat he with slightest chance by circumstancesߞis able to
fashion himselft out of "nothing"! (Materialy nothing! Spiritualy
all!) It becomes still! For exhautionߞfor
haughtinessߞfor senseߞforߞߞdoubtߞ
also! Must I call incessantlyߞ?
Am I of so little importߞis it all mistakeߞߞ
that I am left in this shameߞby people who know meߞ
of meߞand nothing but promisesߞcrumbsߞthat turn my stomachߞsnare my
very throatߞto swallow! FitzyߞI did not wish
to become bitterߞbut nowߞbitterness creeps out of meߞbecause it is in
meߞin start of letterߞbeing sanguineߞIߞit was tamed downߞby mere fact of having
timeߞto write to youߞto write at allߞ
if even only a letterߞnot artߞand to kind well intentioned friendߞ
like you areߞas I know! Butߞit is not sufficient! For my
plight is suchߞbecoming perilous through strainߞmind starvationߞ!
It takes needs more passionateߞimmediate action! Bitterness breaks out of meߞkind
Fitzyߞbecauseߞit is Monday morningߞfew hoursߞ
I will have to tread wall wheel of senseless sorry-go-roundߞof
"paper selling week"ߞagain: lifeߞthat is:
helpߞsalvation not through
you! I do not my tortureߞ
for that is paperselling.
to learn w this letterߞFitzy. I do not! No!
I still have pride left clearߞdecided fact.
Now I will tell you about some relief withߞso that mere sounds of
"hope" in inߞany more! I must fo
of care concretely on
my m will".
It has to flower into believeߞit is at-all ali
with that ray removedߞI more lightߞenergyߞ
believe heard nowߞit is movery mask for inaction.
Go to Dr. Rowling Nicholl a cats jump from groves
Tell him! He has always been kindly helpfull to meߞ
he will do somethingߞif he realizes my serious perilߞ
I am sure! OnceߞI wrote him in summerߞI never go answer! I do not know
why? Maybeߞhe though it mere attempt to get money easy
from Americaߞwhen I now was in Germany?
Though he should know me better! Yetߞhe does not know intimately of me. Tell himߞ
Iߞat leastߞsaved "Pinkey" Found him here an excellent homeߞ
where he lives the way he is made for! Forever kept upon a kindߞrather silly womans lapߞ
who has no serious businessߞbeing fedߞbesides mealsߞwith love-words and chocolate and bisquites. Soߞ
he is in heaven! Not missing meߞwho never was real mistress for himߞby temperament and position!
By temperamentߞmuch more Swan's skieterrierߞnow in Dr. Nicholls keep!
Andߞhow is Swan? He is a marvel of beautyߞby appearanceߞ
heart! Dog of passionߞtemperߞaristocrat. Tell
Dr. Nichollߞto give him my never dying memoryߞloveߞadoration.
Dr. Nicholl has a sweet young wifeߞhow loves Swan as he doesߞI doߞ
as he deserves.
Soߞthat all is full of sense-joy-at-least!
Than: go to Charles Sheeler fotografer 5th Ave.
near 46-47 Str Westside. (He will be in telefonbook.) J.H. knows
his addressߞI tooߞforgot! Heߞunder the circumstancesߞ
owes me at least $10 this way: Onceߞin Phila (he is from thereߞ)
heߞand his friend Shambergߞdead nowߞhad promised me
$10ߞto travel with to New-Yorkߞfrom there to a waitress positionߞ
(in Atlantic City?) That never realized. (My fault). It was Saturdayߞ
I was late in meeting themߞI was exhausted with runningߞhaving to do every preparation myselfߞon scant money
otherwiseߞI would not have asked them at allߞthough
I should have anywayߞI always was too modestߞThey recieved meߞinstead to realize a little
my situationߞas they should haveߞwith reproach! Not badly meantߞbut to
meߞwho than was always already secretly insultedߞto
have to beg for meansߞit was last straw. When they
offered me the $10 I turned a haughty back. It is understandable! But it wasߞof courseߞ
impractical! O Yes! Spirit is! I do not
posses that spirit anymoreߞI have become much more "reasonable"ߞI see alsoߞtht I misunderstood themߞbut
to Europeanߞunder those conditionsߞit seemed
tactless! Yetߞthey could not know of my true natureߞ
that is not Bohemian at-all! Likes orderߞ! Hence is insulted
ߞto have to ask for moneyߞknowing of ones very sense and modestyߞin money mattersߞ
too modestߞthat isߞsense negativeߞinstead of activeߞ! Soߞthey
they took it much more in nature of thingsߞthan I didߞno knowing of my inner strainߞattitude
of shame! TodayߞI know! I should have asked them much oftenerߞas had been my
artist rightߞ Yetߞ
I had not habit of bohemianismߞbutߞI feel right toߞat leastߞthose
$10 now! He may do more Fitzyif he is successful!
Yetߞhe isߞthough kindߞalso of very cold dispositionߞindeed!
Very cautiously figuring. His friend Shamberg was much more warmheartedߞartist.
Sheeler is that fotograferߞwho took that picture of Marcels portrait. He probablyߞ
stillߞhas the original. ThanߞFrances of
Washington Square Book Shopߞmay do something! She is very much my friend.
That is allߞuntil real help arrives! For thatߞ
Bob Chandler on 57th Street! If he is willingߞ
it should be nothing to himߞindeed! He could keep
my beauty in flower grandlyߞincessantlyߞif he felt it worth while! Butߞhe only gave me
small almsߞthrough "The Little Review $20 onceߞ!
Than he "contributedߞI thinkߞ
to my 3th Cabine Passage! When heߞwithout noticingߞ
could have footed a whole first class ticketߞwith some substance besidesߞto start with ߞ
to carry my trunksߞalsoߞorߞtaken their keep. Butߞmaybeߞhe feels more generous nowߞ
realizing my peril! I must go away from Germanyߞ
one thing. If I can not get the vise to Franceߞ
Parisߞwhere I belongߞsomewhere elseߞ
LondonߞCopenhagen etc.. I do not dare mention Americaߞ!
Although my attitude towards it has entirely changed! I could be happy thereߞif I have to
take a job as chambermaid in hotel or go to Chicagoߞbe againߞmuch wantedߞwell paidߞsuccessfull modelߞ
not forgetting about material business side of life.
I thinkߞI had my lessonߞas harsh as you pleaseߞFitzy
I kiss you allߞall, I love you all! Yes! I love America.
Give Frances my rememberace of her kindness towards meߞvery much.
Pages are numbered carefullyߞotherwise they are mixedߞ
throug necessity of drying without ink paper.
FitzyߞI hope you are wellߞeven happy! I scarcely dare to mention such wishesߞfor
implication they naturaly carry. Yetߞit is in senseߞI should also wish myself well!
It isߞevenߞterribly necessary
I can still remember your kindness lighted eyes gazing at me warmly. Gaze at me againߞ
cross waterߞHelp!